


Fifty Shades of Gay

by BadFic, Wagontrain



Category: 50 Shades of Grey - E. L. James
Genre: Bad Fic, F/F, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-21
Updated: 2013-12-21
Packaged: 2018-01-05 08:31:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,959
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1091799
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BadFic/pseuds/BadFic, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wagontrain/pseuds/Wagontrain
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kate Kavanagh is worried about Ana's new relationship with Christian Grey, mostly because she knows she could do it so much better.</p><p>(This is what you get for making me read this book, Melanie!)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fifty Shades of Gay

I turned the page of my tattered copy of _Tess_ focused on the words, and the meanings, and the meanings of the words. Works of literature fascinated me, which was ironic in a way I couldn’t quite put my finger on. 

“Ana!” My best friend Kate Kavanagh pushed open the door, peering in. “Got a minute to talk?”

 _Oh no,_ I thought. _The patented Kate Kavanagh Evening Interrogation. What’s she call it? ‘Talking?’ Ugh._ Out loud: “Sure! You’re my best friend.”

“We’ve got a whole weekend ahead of us!” Kate exclaimed. “What do you want to do?”

 _Great, the Kate Kavanagh Free Time Merriment Planner._ I just barely stopped myself from rolling my eyes. That was a bad habit, I knew. Christian had told me. I can feel myself blushing furiously at the very mention of his name. “Oh…Christian wanted to…meet with me.”

“All weekend?” Disappointment was written plain on Kate’s face, and Ana braced herself for a full-force Kate Kavanagh Expression of Disappointed Concern. “I mean…what do you guys do all weekend?”

 _Don’t tell her!_ My inner goddess was in an uproar, sticking both middle fingers in the air at Kate and her impertinence. “We talk.”

“Ana…” Kate sighed. “Look, I’ve been with guys like that. Told me that I couldn’t talk to anybody about what we were doing. It was controlling, and he didn’t respect me.”

My subconscious was nodding in agreement and I swatted the traitor bitch, sparing a moment to wonder how I was aware of a mental construct defined specifically by an individual’s inability to perceive it. “It’s not like that, Kate. It’s so wild, so…so…”

Kate shrugged. “You’re enjoying sex. Lots of women who were raised to believe that their vaginas were made just for pleasing men and pushing out babies are surprised by that.”

I realized I was biting my lower lip. _Stop that!_ I admonished myself. _There are so many things about you that are wrong, Ana!_ “You don’t understand, Kate. He’s…gray.”

“Well yeah, that’s his name…” Confusion crossed Kate’s face for a moment. “Oh! It’s a pun, because his name is Christian Grey and he’s all edgy and morally ambiguous. Good one.” My inner goddess nods in agreement, pleased at how I put that together. “Look, so he’s into kink. It’s really not all that taboo these days. Everybody’s down for a little spank and tickle.”

My heart hammers. _How could she know!_ “It’s not like that!” I exclaim.

“Seriously?” The Kate Kavanaugh Eyebrows of Complete and Utter Disbelief are in full effect. “Because three nights ago you couldn’t sit down after you came home.”

“I…” _Think fast, Steele!_ “…closed the car door with my behind. Really hard.” _Genius._ I mentally reach for a high-five from my inner goddess, but she’s busy rutting hard against herself at the memory of Christian’s hand rising and falling against my behind…no! My _ass_. _His_ ass.

“Sure you did.” Kate purses her lips, and all I can think is how much Christian would probably disapprove of that because of how much me biting my lip perturbed him. _Would it arouse him? Oh my God! Kate is blonde, and beautiful, and perfect, just like…well, everyone who works for Christian._ My inner goddess rises from her self-ministrations, machete in hand, prepared to deal with the potential interloper. “Geez, I wish I knew you were into kink, like, four years ago,” Kate mused, completely unaware of her own impending death.

“What?” I ask, straining to make out her words through my inner goddess’ low chant of slaughter and dismemberment.

“Nothing!” Kate shook herself all over. “Ana, I’m worried that you’re in over your head here.”

 _If only she knew!_ I thought. _How completely outside the experience of any plain, normal housewife my experiences over the past few weeks have been, and just how vagina-searingly erotic it all really was._ “I’m a grown woman, Kate. I don’t need you trying to tell me about my relationships.”

The Kate Kavanaugh Tone of Not Putting Up With My Bullshit Anymore came out. “Okay, Ana? You don’t own any of your own clothes. The only outfits you ever mention are the ones you borrow from me.” She had a point there; Kate’s shirt and jeans looked great on me today. I’d skipped wearing Kate’s bra and panties today; Christian ordered me not to wear underwear, and it felt so _naughty._ “You didn’t know how to use a computer until last week. You didn’t even have an e-mail address. Think about that. You just _graduated college,_ from a _literature program_ , in the _twenty-first century_ , without knowing how to _send an e-mail_.”

I’m perplexed. I recognize all the words, but together they seem to have an important meaning to her that I’m just not seeing. “…Is that strange?”

Kate sighed. “Yeah, Ana. It’s strange.” The corner of her mouth quirked. “Okay, fess up. What have you guys been up to?”

“Well…” My inner goddess clasps a hand over her mouth, shocked at my boldness that I would even think of talking about this to someone else. “Kate, he…” the memory of our illicit, raunchy acts surge through me and I feel my lower lady nether lips moisten. “… _he put his penis in my mouth._ ”

Kate stares at me, shocked to silence just as I knew she’d be. “Wait, what?”

“His penis,” I whisper. I’m afraid I’m breaking poor Kate’s mind, so I try again using one of Christian’s favorite euphemisms. “ _His turgid man truncheon._ ”

Her brows knit together. “His…what?”

 _Ugh, Kate!_ So much for the famed Kate Kavanaugh Real Life Experience. “His Purple-Headed Womb Ferret.”

“Holy shit,” Kate muttered.

“I _know!_ ” I exclaim. My inner goddess has begun dancing, foxtrot steps to the tune of ‘Back That Ass Up.’ “It was incredible, feeling his silk-clad steel sliding over my tongue!”

“Right, okay.” Kate’s rubbing her forehead now; probably jealous. There’s no way she’s ever done anything as deeply erotic as a _oral sex._ “So…what else? I mean…hot wax? Anal?”

I feel myself blushing. “Oh, those sounds dirty.”

“How about watersports?”

“Oh! We’ve had sex in the shower before.”

“…not what I meant,” Kate sighs. “Listen, Ana…I don’t want to police anyone else’s sexual identity, but I mean…spanking, blowjobs…it sounds like what you’re having is actually pretty vanilla sex.”

“It’s not just that.” I can tell Kate just doesn’t get it. “He also uses his vast fortunes to track my movements at all times. He finds the things about my life that he disapproves of like my car and my phone and he makes them better by taking them away and buying me new ones. Or sometimes when I’m just wrong about things, like that entire trip to Georgia. He found the flight I was on and upgraded my ticket to first class without my asking! And then he came out after me to meet my mom, after I’d told him not to. It was _so hot._ ”

Kate and my subconscious are wearing the same look. I smack that look off of one of them. “He’s stalking you,” Kate says. 

_She’s starting to understand!_ “That’s what love is!”

“Sending flowers means he loves you. Ignoring your wishes and pressuring you to do something you don’t want to is disrespectful and domineering.” I feel myself shudder with outright arousal. Kate notices. “’Domineering,’ Ana, not ‘dominating.’ It’s like dominating, but when an asshole does it.”

I really don’t like how well Kate and my subconscious are getting along here, but something in what she’s saying make sense. “It’s true that he scares me sometimes, with the things he says. Sometimes I have to beg him not to hit me because he’s so close to flying off the handle, and I don’t know if he’s being darkly erotic or if he’s decided he’s going to get off by feeding me into a wood chipper.” I shiver at the thought, my nipples perking up against Kate’s shirt. “The _danger_ of it all is so arousing!”

“What if,” Kate said, leaning forward, “you could have all of it -the spanking, the oral sex, even some erotic hair-pulling- _without_ fearing for your life, with someone who respects you?”

That certainly makes my inner goddess sit up and take notice, staring slack-jawed at Kate’s bold and unconventional suggestion. She looks over at my subconscious incredulously, noticing for the first time the look my subconscious is giving her…a look she’s been giving for a long time now. “What do you mean?”

Kate moves over, sitting down _very_ close next to me. “Ana, sweetie. I want to take you to my room. I want to chain you to the headboard of my bed, and I want to lick up and down your sex until you’re nothing but a trembling…quivering… _puddle_ of bliss. And if you really want, when I get done with you I’ll roll you over on your belly and introduce you to a very _special_ friend of mine. I call her Mistress Spanky.”

“You have a Red Room of Pain too?” I have to remind myself to breathe. My inner goddess is moaning lowly, her fingers clutching at my subconscious’ hair as the usually-repressed avatar makes good on Kate’s promises.

“No, Ana. It’s just a room. With a bed, an extremely sturdy dresser, and a certain chest hidden in the closest with pinwheels, ballgags, anal beads, melting candles, a bamboo cane and sixty feet of natural hemp rope.” Kate leaned in to whisper in my ear, her breath hot on my skin. “I’m going to use all of them on you. And when you finally recover your wits, it’ll be _your_ turn to pleasure _me_.”

I stare at Kate, dumbfounded at what she’s saying. _Is this even possible? Sure, undersexed middle-aged suburban women everywhere could go for a little light bondage, but…bisexuality? Lesbianism?_ “Wow,” I murmur. “I just don’t know, Kate…I mean, Christian has a dark past…I promised him…”

Kate reached up gently, stroking my cheek. “ _I’ll_ make you promise, Ana. I’ll spend the night. And I’ll be there when you wake up.” 

What Kate was offering…I looked inside, consulting my past experiences and my very character to see what I should do. My subconscious looked up from her work in surprise at the resounding empty echo that returned, before my inner goddess pulled her back down by the hair. I realized that I don’t really have much by way of drive and internal motivation. I mean, sex is desirable, and I want to…work with books? Writing? Everything else about me -what I eat, who I talk to, my hobbies- is pretty much up to the whims of whoever’s talking to me at the time. 

“Sure!” My inner goddess howls as the dam of her orgasmic delight breaks, flooding her fleshy valley with a desultory deluge. My subconscious, nagging bitch that she is, rolls her eyes at me, probably recognizing that attaching myself to another powerful personality is going to prevent me from developing as a person and learning how to live my own life. I brutally shove her back in the box for being such a downer. 

As Kate takes me by the hand and leads me from my room I can feel my inner muscles clenching in anticipation. Not just for the totally erotic escapades we’re about to embark on, but also for the opportunity to crack the dark mystery that is Kate Kavanaugh. Everyone knows that people who do kinky things only do them because, deep down inside, they’re horribly deformed individuals just _pretending_ to be healthy and normal. Sure Kate _seems_ perfect, but she’s broken somehow too and I’m going to fix her. With my sex.

_Fin_

**Author's Note:**

> Coming Soon!
> 
> **A Tale of Two Ciphers**
> 
> The woman sitting across from me is startlingly familiar. Ordinarily I’d let Christian do the talking with new people, but he’s off being rich right now. “So…what do you do for fun?” I asked.
> 
> Bella blinked. “I’m usually thinking about Edward,” she intoned. “Sometimes I sleep. Then I’m not thinking about Edward, because I’m asleep. But it’s okay because he’s in my room watching me.”
> 
>  _Christian doesn’t love me enough to break into my room while I’m asleep and watch me,_ I thought. I suddenly realized the total depth of the love between Bella and Edward. _Holy shit._
> 
>  
> 
>  **50 Shades of Dorian Gray**
> 
> “You don’t understand, Anastasia. I’m dark. Dangerous. I literally sold my soul in order to remain beautiful, beyond the ravages of age and sin.” Dorian’s eyes flashed dangerously. “It’s not wise for you to be near me.”
> 
> I fanned myself frantically with my hand, staving off the vapors. I feel his gaze pierce through my jacket, lace camisole and corset, coming to a stop over my undergarments by the narrowest of margins. My inner Lydia Thompson batted her eyes coquettishly, offering Dorian a simply obscene view down her bodice.
> 
>  _He’s so dark, and tormented. If I continue down this path, I could end up murdered by an amoral psychopath,_ I thought, my pantaloons becoming sodden. _Holy shit._
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> **Sassy Gay Friend: 50 Shades of Grey**
> 
>  
> 
> _Meet Anastasia Steele, from E.L. James’ 50 Shades of Grey. She is about to sink into the depths of depression after making the fateful decision to break up with the love of her life. This fate could have been avoided if she had a Sassy Gay Friend._
> 
>  
> 
> Ana fell into her bed. “Oh, Christian, whatever have I done?”
> 
> “What are you doing?” her Sassy Gay Friend demanded, bursting into the room with a jaunty intro theme. “What, what, what are you doing?”
> 
> “I told Christian I could never see him again, and now I just want to die!”
> 
> Her Sassy Gay Friend tossed his scarf. “Okay, Ana, run me through this. You were talking, then what?”
> 
> “Well, he’s always said that he was just too dangerous for me, but I love him so much! So I made him take me to the Red Room of Pain…”
> 
> “Okay, first of all.” The Sassy Gay Friend held up a finger. “No one has ever been able to pull off a red room of pain. Sure it _sounds_ all edgy, but it’s just impossible to find a St. Andrew’s cross that works with the color, and there aren’t enough lamps in the _world_ to be able to see anything when it’s painted that darkly.”
> 
> “I guess I didn’t notice. He whipped me until I screamed and begged for mercy.”
> 
> “Which brings me to my _second_ thing. You don’t like pain! You cried for an hour after you broke a nail! What possibly made letting yourself get beat up sound like a good idea?”
> 
> “I don’t know, I just…” Ana bit her lip. “I’m thinking of going back to him. I’m going to stop taking my birth control so that the next time he whips me and has sex with me I’ll get pregnant! A baby will heal the wounds of his perverted childhood.”
> 
> The Sassy Gay Friend put his hands on his hips, carefully considering his next words. Then, finally: 
> 
> “You’re a stupid bitch.”
> 
>  
> 
> _Holy shit._


End file.
